


DogWarta

by WarnerHedgehog



Category: Original Work
Genre: Commercials, Gen, Humor, Original Fiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2020-12-01 23:33:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20935319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WarnerHedgehog/pseuds/WarnerHedgehog
Summary: This is the product YOU need in your life. I had 'Philomena Fubar' kicking about and needed a use for her.A second chapter has been added. It's a report about DogWarta's parent company getting into hot water.





	1. Chapter 1

We fade from black to a picture of a dog cocking its leg by a lamppost. The camera pans over to a tall, far-too-thin woman with a mass of red hair and a huge smug smile. After doing nothing for slightly too long, she launches into her script, "Hello, I'm Philomena Fubar, and I'm here to talk to you about a revolutionary new gaming product called DogWarta. Brought to by those fun-loving trendy young bucks FacelessSoulfree Chemicals, these neat little dice are made of the purest solidified canine wee. Thats right, I'm selling you cubes of reduced dog's piss." She stops, takes a deep breath and contrives to enbiggen her smile before carrying on, "Now you may be wondering how someone as trustworthy and as fabulously pretty as me got into what I charitably think of as the dog urine game, and to be honest, I'm earning a huge shedload of cash for this squalid little gig so the answer is moolah and lots of it. Anyway, back to the product, and here's a grainy film clip of DogWarta's creator to tell you more."  
We cut to what appears to be a perfectly normal bit of film footage that's been doctored (badly) to make it look old. The subject is a tanned, middle-aged gentleman in an OTT pimp's outfit, including a huge brimmed hat and a horrible medallion. He's holding a cigar in one hand and talks with a weird, stereotypical Chicago gangster's accent. He's in front of what looks like a photograph of a tropical island, "Hi, I'm Iain Bezzeling and I am the creative genius behind DogWarta. The premise behind my novel idea came to me in a flash at a cocaine-fuelled board games orgy in the late 1780s." The weirdo takes a long drag on his horrible cigar then resumes his wittering, "It seemed to me that normal dice were just so boring, and could do with a serious spicing up, and while pogoing to a grunge dance mix of Minuet in C minor, it literally smacked me in the face like a frozen halibut: If I took the urine from an ordinary pug dog, reduced it down, mixed in a hardening agent and added some ordinary food colouring, then I could make my own novelty dice, and it would be so much better than that Ricelike rubbish that people use at the moment. Well, the nice folks at FacelessSoulfree were more than happy to take my idea and turn it into yet another bland, formulaic thing that they can cut corners on, and because of them I now have more money than I can shake a vole at."  
We cut back to Philomena, who is still grinning, "So there you have it. If you send us sixty dollars right now then we will send you a set of DogWarta dice, a gaming board and a meaning-free certificate of ownership. And if you do it before the Primary Fleecing Period, we will include a lanyard made of Dogwarta' s sister product, Catwarta."


	2. Legal Troubles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Are DogWarta Dice safe? It turns out that the answer is "not any more".

FacelessSoulfree Chemicals are in trouble today after it emerged that their wonderproduct DogWarta as well as its sister product Catwarta are dangerously explosive. To compound the matter for them, Iain Bezzeling the man touted by FacelessSoulfree as the so-called 'creator' of Dogwarta has been discovered to be an actor called Varley Unknown.  
After Konpleet Qurap, it's Romford based R&D unit created the formula for the material behind DogWarta dice, FacelessSoulfree quickly put it into full-time production, with the conceit that it had been created by an independant and completely fictional researcher. Unfortunately, certain management personnel whose minds are permanently fixated on profits, started poking their uneducated noses into things with the desire to cut corners and reduce production costs. At some point, someone unwisely substituted a compound in the thickening agent with the somewhat cheaper potassium nitrate, thus creating a brand new variety of unstable explosive. The initial reaction of middle management lummox Largely Useless was to put a super tiny disclaimer on the packaging that stated 'do not roll dice too vigorously. Vigorous rolling may cause injury via explosion.'   
When full time gamer geek Lanky Nerdlike blew up his table while playing WarAxe 20Million, the microscopic nature of the disclaimer, as well as the dangerous nature of the dice became full public knowledge. FacelessSoulfree's first reaction was to release a pre-written, heartless, and badly thought out apology. Their next act was to draft in their legal paperwork army, lest they get a lawsuit the size of Newfoundland, and it was under guidance from that team that Largely Useless was demoted all the way down to toilet scrubber.  
As of the time of writing, FacelessSoulfree Chemicals are under investigation by the Trading Standards and Dodgy Practices Administration and are legally bound to stay shtum.


End file.
